01.25.03 - 11:19 PM
and I claw for solid ground....
I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low, oh darkness I feel like letting go, if all of the strength and all of the courage, come and lift me from this place, I know I could love you much better than this, full of grace.
I feel just like I’m sinking, everything coming together and falling apart, trying so desperately to succeed, and falling farther as I rise. Internal conflict and diagnoses, warning labels covering up the truth, burying feelings beneath their printed mechanical text. The world stops caring, like a rock thrown into a pond, the ripples will dissipate, life will go on, but that poor rock has still sunk to the bottom, where it will stay unless someone comes for it. I know it shouldn't be like this, but we have lost our way to the glitter and glam of this brave new world. Descending farther into the depths of our souls, our personal traps of day to day routine and nostalgia, living in the past letting our futures slip away. I never knew how far those ripples could reach, through miles and time and lives, to the other side of the world and back, rippling ever out, but never rocking the world. It happens everyday, people die, people are robbed away from their lives, changing the future of the world, but it’s human to distance yourself. It is easier to say it was a fixed point in time, that person who died, the train wreck down the road, because it’s human to survive. Not everyone can take the weight of the world, most will never try, but it isn’t right to let the darkness of the world go unchecked and fall just out of sight. It can never happen to you, never happen to someone you love, until it does, and then it’s too late, you fall down with the darkness. So we distance ourselves, better some to escape the madness we say, but is it?
01.11.03 - 2:33 AM
There is just something about this time of the morning.
The two people I am the most afraid of in this world, are the same two people I trust, honour, and love more than anyone else. There’s power in it I guess; this all omnipotent force that can spare you or destroy you within it’s every single action. How could I give someone such control? I can’t stand the idea, losing myself to someone else. I can’t even stand people, their weakness, their petty flaws and differences, and religions, and baggage, and shit and yet I can’t stand to live without them. I’m shaking now, it’s interesting, because I really don’t know why my emotions have such a pull over my physical body, how can memories and feelings trigger such an enormous spiraling whirlpool of thought as to be able to drain me of all my sanity and strength. This pain creeps in through words, binary bits of passion dripped in through wired space to find a part of my mind and take up refuge, before multiplying and filling my body with it’s unnatural poisons. I can’t help it anymore, I get high off the rage, pain, love, hate, pity, and pain; the rush of emotions flooding through my essence, in some spiritual moment, giving me life, and definition, and purpose, for the time being at least. There is this pain working it’s way through my body, as doubt, as fear, as numbness, and as throbbing forms of fire. It engulfs you, surrounds you, sucks you down into it, beneath the waves of uncaring and into the abyss of the void. Fun all around.
