You'd Buy Used Sweat If I could Sell It

(Our story begins in front of my TV, on some early morning between reruns of "Kids in the Hall" and "The Physic (sic) Network." I flip through the channels to find QVC, a shop-at-home network. The items they were selling were Beanie Babies. Now, my knowledge of beanbags doesn't go beyond chairs and Toss Across, but these animal-shaped beanbags were selling at several hundred dollars a pop. Obviously, these stuffed animals were made of silver or could be used in lieu of sandbags in case the river floods. No, they're just six-inch beanbags shaped like dogs and bears. Some of the prices include: $20 for Spot and Hoot, two of the many retired (won't be made again) Beanies $100 for Erin Bear, a small green teddy bear with a shamrock insignia over the heart $400 for Princess Bear, a purple teddy bear that looks exactly like Erin Bear except that it has a rose as its insignia. It is supposedly dedicated to Princess Di (although the bear doesn't have big teeth and didn't marry for money) $1000 for Britannia Bear, a brown bear that looks like the previous two except that the insignia is a Union Jack. It was only available in Europe. (So were a couple of Falco albums, and they're not worth anything.) $8000 for some first-edition bear which looks neither like a car, boat, or Fabergé Egg. Few things are as uncomfortable as watching child after child spend tens of dollars each trying to win one of these trinkets. Where do these kids, some as young as five, get all of this disposable cash ("disposable" being a very appropriate word)? I've heard kids talk about the hundreds of Beanies they have, or the thousands of dollars worth of trading cards they have, despite the fact they are too young for a paper route. I remember when having an extra quarter to play Tempest was a treat. The problem is this: Collectibles are seen as investments rather than something to be enjoyed. It's the ultimate pyramid scheme. I will sell you this item, where you hope to sell it at a later date for more money, to someone who hopes to sell it later, and so on. What they don't understand is that the truly valuable collectibles are those which weren't necessarily made to be collectors' items. Action Comics #1 (the first Superman) and a Honus Wagner baseball card are valuable because there weren't thousands of people try to save them. No one thought lunch boxes would be collectable. Try to find an authentic "Welcome Back, Kotter" lunchbox under $100. And finally, I have three words for those collectors who think this Beanie train is going to ride forever: Cabbage Patch Kids.)