The Rants of Wrath......

For those of you demented enough to have enjoyed reading my “Of Mice and Rants”, I give you it’s sequel. (Which I will borrow another Steinbeck title for) And now, before I start, I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone to take down their Christmas decorations, because my neighbour has had his tree up since Halloween, and the blinking red lights are making me want to swallow my tongue. What is the point to putting up Christmas decorations that early anyway? Australians would seem to have a decent excuse for starting the celebration in October, but my neighbour has never been outside Tucson. Which is another thing I don’t understand, there isn’t anything to do here unless you are an avid golfer or drug addict, so why would you want to spend your entire life here? (Or any of it for that matter) I guess you could go to the mall and navigate the sea of illiterate dumb-asses who would likely pay to push you over the railing, or play hopscotch over their children who think it is fun to lie and roll on the floor. That seems to be the fastest growing sport in America, standing or placing your children in the most frequently walked areas of public buildings. Is it really so hard to stand in a corner to talk about what J-Lo was wearing? Get out of the damn doorway. And how come you rarely see two people blocking the flow of pedestrians, I mean it’s like you have to have a team of 6 or more to participate in this event properly. I saw this kid once bend over to pick a penny up from the floor and his father just stepped on him. That’s great parenting, if your kid gets in the way, crush them beneath your over weight plate clearing ass. Of course, that problem could have been avoided if someone would just listen to me and get rid of that annoying little brown currency. I have never quite grasped the point of the penny, except as ammunition to throw at people while hanging from trees or for gluing to the floor at inopportune places. It’s amazing what lengths people will go to in order to remove four or five pennies from the floor of a men’s restroom. (I suggest you try it sometime) Recently while in a bus station, I watched a full grown man struggle with a nickel for half an hour, and in the end, the nickel remained attached to the floor. Of course I guess the man had the last laugh, because while his best entertainment was trying to remove the nickel, mine was watching him try. Bus stations are just like having fun, except for they in no way actually resemble it. Somehow people assume that you will be SO amused by the fuzzy repeat of Seinfeld, that you will not notice them cutting in front of you in line. I mean, ‘hi!’ stupid, did you not think I would see three people cut in front of me? And it isn’t like you can correct them and show them the back of the line, because they don’t speak English, and just stare at you going ‘Que?’ I think I started yelling in every romance language I vaguely know, because it seemed most of the station was laughing by the time I was finished, but those three idiots just stood there still!!! If you can’t speak English you should be arrested. I don’t have a problem with other languages, I just think if you are going to someone’s country, you should at least be able to hold an elementary conversation with the people of that country. It isn’t like you could have an emergency and need assistance, like if you were to have a horrible accident on a roundabout in Luxembourg. Roundabouts, now there is a great idea that only works well on the left side of the road, but then again driving on that side is a lost cause to begin with. Of course, in true American spirit we sometimes try to copy the roundabout, with much less success. It looks like a bunch of 6 year olds playing Grand Turismo when Americans tackle roundabouts, and how would I know? Because I have had to watch both. Not that I have a problem with children playing video games, I actually encourage it, but it is when the video game companies sell their characters’ souls to Disney that I begin to worry. Kingdom Hearts for example, Square’s greatest abuse of Final Fantasy to date would pit Sephiroth against Donald Duck? And why doesn’t Donald ever wear shoes? He is bound to be rich by now, can’t he afford them? Maybe his feet are too big, and in high school he had to steal the percussion’s electrical tape to “make” shoes out of before a competition. And poor Donald, I bet he has a hard time talking on the phone with his thick duck-ish accent and all, people must be misunderstanding him all the time. I feel your pain Donald, people do that with me all the time, not hear what I say with my American accent, but it is when they say they heard me that ticks me off the worst. Pretending to hear someone you are filling an order for is one of the rudest things imaginable, that person is depending on you, and standing outside in the cold waiting for what you promised! If you don’t understand, you ask and repeat until clarified! Of course, then there are the instances when people understand what they shouldn’t, like in the Two Towers, somehow it seems Gimli knows a little Elvish. He hates elves, or did before he met Legolas. So what, are Aragon and Legy teaching him Elvish at night? And why would the word “ladders” be on their vocab list? Maybe he learned it from a fortune cookie, as weird as it sounds, because the last fortune cookie I ate had a symbol on it, and said “this is the Chinese character for hope”. What kind of fortune is that? It isn’t you damn cheap fortune cookie company. I think the guy responsible for writing the fortunes spent too much time at a strip club, and then had to come up with all the fortunes the night before they were due, or maybe he just got sick on some really bad Roast Beef yogurt, and didn’t have the strength to write good ones.